Mother Care...Day 4 and 5

Well where to begin.   I go to bed exhausted I wake up exhausted and my mother sleeps all day.  Up until yesterday everything was running smoothly.  Yesterday she was crabby, really crabby, nothing we could say or do would make her happy.  Kinda sad, all we are trying to do is make her happy and comfortable.  We also had to argue with her to take her meds yesterday.  We had to show her how we are keeping track of her meds because her days are mixing together.  That has a lot to do with the end of life stages and the sleeping...always sleeping.  Everything was an argument.  But that is ok by me because I was hoping I got to see that before she went to the Mansion in the Sky. 

It is tough and hard to watch.  For example, the other day she threw up, I know tmi right?  But listen, because on day you may go through this exact thing.  We had to sit her up which put pressure on her abdomen, with all that water sitting on her tummy it was hard to do for her.  She threw up bile, and not the normal color.  It was of course black and chunky, hard thing to watch number 1.  The second thing was that she cant sit up all the way or put her head over the side of the bed because it hurts her so she had to gag it up three or four times and then force it out of her mouth so she didn't aspirate it.  Watching her struggle was so heartbreaking, I had to leave the room, thank God for my Aunt Terry, as hard as it was for her to watch that she stayed and made sure everything was ok.  I couldn't.  I left the room several times because I couldn't stop crying.  I am trying my best to be strong in front of her.  But I don't have her to console me anymore, so I have to do it myself.  Things are opposite, instead of her stroking my head to calm me down, I'm stroking hers. 

Things from this point on are only going to get harder, not sure if I will be able to handle it, but I will try my damn-est.  The more she sleeps the more I wish she would talk to me.  I miss her voice. 

My aunt last night drove all around towns trying to find a bed pan because its hard to get her out of bed.  She finally showed up at anderson crying her eyes out asking to buy a bedpan...they just gave it to her.  You can imagine what they were thinking...Crazy lady is at it again....in tears for a bedpan.....WOW.  But thanks to her efforts, we no longer have to get her out of bed to go to the bathroom. 

This have just taken a turn for the worse.  She is saying that tomorrow is her last day.  Its hard to hear her say that, especially when you aren't ready to hear that.  She is vomiting blood, violently.  We aren't to the point of a few days yet, but she has given up on her fight.