Rock Bottom

So Last night as I'm sure most of you know by now I hit rock bottom emotionally.  What does that mean?  Well when grieving for a lost loved one, especially in my position you are basically on an emotional roller coaster, you have ups and downs and in between days.  I personally have been on an emotional high for quite some time and I feel as if that was to be strong for my family as we headed into this part of the process, which was the memorial, thank you cards, receiving sympathy cards and numerous phone calls, texts and email all exclaiming there sorrow for our family at this time.  Then there was the matter or getting things in order financially.  We still aren't there.  For me this process will take longer than most and for one reason, simply put, I watched my mother die.  Not something that is easily gotten over.  So here is my story about my first mountain in this extremely emotional process.

Last night, I had a really hard time falling asleep, everything I tried to do simply didn't work.  I read, watched tv, counted sheep, told myself that I needed to sleep because of everything I had planned to do the next day.  Everything I could think of at the time.  Nothing was working.  Part of it was that my mind was racing a mile a minute, part of it was that I wasn't really doing anything in the 24 hours prior and the other part was that every time I closed my eyes for some reason all I could see was my mother's final moments.  That alone would have sent me over the edge. I haven't see that particular image in about two weeks, so you can imagine my surprise when it was there.

The next thing I know I'm sobbing and I reach for my journal to start writing.  I wrote for about 40 minutes with crying in between and wiping the tears away so I could see where I was going.  Keep in mind that all of this is happening around 1 in the morning.  I finish writing and put it aside, hoping that at this point because I'm crying that maybe I can cry myself to sleep...nope, not in the cards for me.  So not happy.  So I get on facebook, update my status and start messing around with the numerous games that I am currently addicted to.  around sometime between 1 and 2 a friend of my mom's is online and she is of course there to try and save the night...pun intended.  She talked me down and told me what worked for her daughter when she was sick, and we talked about some other things that at this time I cannot tell you what they were.  I get off and try to go to sleep.

Needless to say I didn't actually fall asleep until around 430 500 in the morning.  I slept in until about 10 because I was so tired, ironically I never heard my alarm go off this morning.  First thing I did this morning was read what I wrote last night, and as much as don't want to share it with you, I feel as if I need to for two reasons.  One:  I need to do it to let it all out.  Two:  I feel that you as my reader need to know what is really going on in the ridiculously imaginative mind of mine...that's kind of funny because I really don't have an imagination, compared to my little brother.  So this is what I wrote.  Please in advance I ask that you do not take offense to some of the things that I did write.  They are all natural and apart of the grieving process.  Please do not label me as an anti-Christ or a non believer because if you really knew me you would know that my faith in God is unwavering.  Please do not question what I did write because again it is natural and part of the grieving process.  So with out further ado...

BEFORE YOU READ, THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED.   I GO INTO A BIT OF DETAIL SO PLEASE IF YOU DON'T WANT THAT IMAGE, PLEASE DO NOT GO ANY FARTHER THAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!

August 22, 2011

I can't get it out of my head, I don't know what my deal is , I'm lying her in bed and I can't sleep.  Why?  Because my mind is racing a mile a minute.  I can't get it our of my head!!!  It will be the end of me.  That night...the night she died.  I don't know why suddenly it popped in head.

The look on her face the fear and the panic in her eyes.  The volume of blood in the container,   Why can't I get rid of it.  Every time I close my eyes that's all I see.  The violent shuddering her body made as it expelled what was left in her lungs...its horrible. 

Why?  Why?  Why? Why did it have to be me,. my family, my mom?  Why now, why ever?  Why that way?  What did she do to deserve to go that way?  She was supposed to just fall asleep.  Why couldn't You just let her fall asleep?  Did you honestly thing I could handle that?

The last images of my mother were of her dying.  

Why couldn't you give me more than a week?  Why?  What did I do to get that?  Family means everything to me and you took her away from me.  My best friend, My hero.

I am trying to stay strong for Day, but I just hit rock bottom.

Every time I turn around I want to see her there.  Every time I turn on a light I expect to see her ghost frozen in the last moments of life.  

I miss her so much.  I want her back.  Please give her back!!!  Why did you leave me mom?  I wasn't ready for you to go.  I will never be ready for you to go.  I hit rock bottom for the first time since her passing.  I wonder how long this will last? 
End of journal entry

I have to tell you that yes I did cry this afternoon, while doing the laundry.  And yes it will happen again!  Am I fine?  Im ok for now, I am dealing and processing and trying to imagine my life without my guardian angel physically there by my side.  I can tell you that loosing a parent is the second hardest thing I will probably have to go through and that is because I'm only 22 almost 23.  Its not easy, and it will never get easier.  Who ever said life is fair?

I will be fine and this is just my way of doing things.  Sorry if you did get that image that wasn't the point and I hope that you remain a reader, because I can tell you that at this time, I will need all of you.

Thank you for listening